i HATE messes.....

I've mentally given myself a year to get this house where I want it to be (except for the kitchen - we'll need to save up money to remodel it).  There are 15 rooms to tackle.  Two of them are each bigger than our first apartment (the "sardine can," for those of you who remember it).  Four rooms have wall paper begging to be removed.  Four additional rooms have murals (we may have found a short-cut to help us get rid of them!) to erase.  Given my health problems and stamina (or lack thereof), I'm pretty sure a year's not gonna be long enough - that's more than one room each month! (And I'm not sure our budget can handle it being done that quickly - and I'm not sure my sanity can handle it taking even that long.)

BUT ... we've started ... and I'm wondering if it's actually gonna be worth it.  I'm tired - no - I'm close to exhausted (and it's not from paint fumes) - it's from pure WORK.  I'm not doing "too much" - I'm just doing SOMETHING - and that's a change.  I'm NOT lazy!!  I just have low energy these days.  But part of the problem is that painting and decorating in general creates messes ... and I HATE MESSES.  Messes make me tired.

First of all, those who know me, know that Dogwood is SO NOT my style of house.

This is my style of house - though it's not my budget...

and this...

and more realistically, this ...

But God didn't give us any of those houses.  He gave us Dogwood.  How do I know?  You see, when we knew we were going to relocate, I had four stipulations for the house we would buy. 1) Within 10 miles of Aaron's office - so if something happened to me, he could get home quickly. (In the past, things have "happened to me.") 2) Four bedrooms.  3) A garage on the main floor - around here most seem to be located in the basement.  Weird.  I know! and 4) Under a specific price point.  When time came to buy - Dogwood was the ONLY house on the market that fit my criteria - it actually was the only house within 15 miles of his office that fit the criteria.  Therefore, we bought it.  It's a great house - with good bones - but it's not the style I'm drawn to.  (I'm guessing God wants us in this specific location for a specific reason.  So, I'm just trusting Him.)

Anywho ... the Julia that Aaron first met was a ... "neat freak" to put it mildly.  Unfortunately Alex models quite a bit of those tendencies of mine.  How does that adage go - "A place for everything, and everything in it's place" (Isabella Mary Beeton) ... Well - I definitely swing that way.  That's been one of the most frustrating things I've had to deal with with Pulmonary Hypertension - I simply don't have the energy anymore - at least not with young kids who inevitably make messes.  I spend more of my time being a mom than dealing with my house.  I know that's how it should be at this stage in life, but living in a messy environment drives me up the wall.  It makes my brain feel cluttered, and then I get grouchy.

Considering my illness, I do a remarkably good job juggling life.  When I was in the ICU (for almost three weeks) during Harrison's birth - a friend stopped by our house to get something, and later commented to me that even though I was THAT sick, and was admitted to the hospital unexpectedly - she was amazed that my house was so clean and tidy.  Usually that's how I try to gain control.  When life seems to be out-of-control (which it has WAY too much these past several years), I want my house to at least be orderly.  I can't control this illness - but if I try hard enough, I can control my environment.

But back to Dogwood....  I'm not sure if I'll emotionally survive "fixing up" the new house.  I simply don't have energy to tackle a project (like painting Alex's room) and keep up on everything else at the same time.  Period.  It's not gonna happen.  But ... I'm not sure if I can handle the mess that's building during the projects....

The entire contents of Alex's room have been moved to the Guest Room (which is the next one to be tackled).

(I'm hyperventilating just looking at the photos!)  And I haven't even let my camera get anywhere near the pile of dishes in the kitchen, the toys strewn all over the family room, the newspaper and mail cluttering my dining room table, or the baskets full of (clean and folded) laundry that are collecting dust.  I'm no longer Super Woman.  I'm suffering from Pulmonary Hypertension and trying to live a normal life.  The two really don't mix well - it's like oil and water!  But I refuse to give up trying - no matter how tired I am.  I can be quite stubborn.

We're almost halfway done painting our FIRST room - 14 more to go - all of which will most likely require more work than this one.  And I'm already tired.  But I keep hoping that once we tackle Dogwood room by room it'll feel more like MINE (ours).  Maybe the problem is that my entire life has stopped feeling like MINE.  I should stop complaining - I'm not in the hospital - I'm not on constant oxygen - our family's finally reunited after the move - etc.  But I really just hate messes.......