Have I told you?

Six years ago today you became my husband - my "better half" - and that's exactly what you are.  We've spoken on occasion about how you've "grown" since I became part of your life; but do you realize how much you've helped me?

You're the strength that I don't have anymore.

You're the stamina that I long for.

You helped pull me back out of my shell - back where I belong.

You've encouraged me to explore who I am as a woman - besides just a wife, mother, and housekeeper.

You've supported my decisions - even the ones I about which I was hesitant.

You've accepted me for who I am - even when I'm trying to figure out who exactly that is.

You've taken my diagnosis - made it our life - and made it a good life.  

You've been there for me and with me through the tough times - and through the good times.

You've been the strong shoulder I've cried on - and you were never stronger than when you were crying with me.

You've always put me first - even when I failed to reciprocate.

You've crossed the gap of socially expected gender roles to help in areas where I can no longer pull my full weight.  And you're even more of a man because of it. 

When I lived so far from my doctor (and was struggling with the local ones), you found a new job.  You left your family, your friends, your church.  Without any hesitation, you moved our family where we needed to be for my healthcare.

You ground me when I "push" to hard - either by gently taking over the project at hand, or reminding me why it's more important to take care of me than the inconsequential task.

You've seen me at my best and my worst - and not judged or criticized.

You've been such a fabulous role model to our boys - of strength, of compassion, of support, and of equality in a relationship.

You're my best friend - my soul mate.

You've quietly accepted the fact that our private lives - our trials and our pains - have become public domain because of the hundreds of people who read my email updates.

You've given me - our marriage - our children - our family - our life your 150%.

And you do it all without complaining.  I know you get tired - stressed - overwhelmed - and pulled in different directions.  But somehow you find the strength to keep going.

I love you.  

I respect you.  

I believe in you.

I appreciate you.

I don't know where I'd be without you.

And every day I thank God for you.

Happy Anniversary, Darling!

moment of clarity

Do you ever find yourself living in the dark (sometimes even unknowingly) - and then suddenly a bright neon, flashing light goes off inside your head - and the world's instantaneously so illuminated that your head's kinda spinning - and you feel kinda dumb that you had been so ... well, so dumb?

No?  Oh.  It's just me.  Great.

Well, my moment of clarity happened at about 1:45 this morning.

I had griped in my email on messes about how I was near the point of exhaustion - and the messy house (that I didn't have the energy to deal with) was making matters exponentially worse.... (Sorry that I emotionally vomited all over you, by the way. But the topic did seem to spark conversation on my facebook page!)  Well - ummmmm - where should I begin?

I'm on a continual iv that dialates the blood vessels in my lungs, thus helping me breathe.  No - correction - this makes it possible for me to breathe at all.  It used to go directly into my heart, and now goes into my tummy (like an insulin pump).  The pump is fairly discretely hidden under my clothing (though sometimes part of the iv tubing peeks out of the bottom of my shirt.  When I put the medicine in the pump, it lasts three days.  Once it's almost empty, the pump starts beeping to remind me to add more medicine.  Well, it started (quietly) beeping at 1:24 am.  It was an act of God (and I really mean that) that I even heard it!  (If I don't get the medicine constantly, the blood vessels in my lungs could collapse - causing a heart attack - and my death.)  So, I groggily got up wondering why in the world it was almost empty at that hour, and dutifully went downstairs to resolve the problem.

Because of the dire consequences of me not getting the medicine, I have two pumps.  So, if one malfunctions I have a back-up.  So, every third day, I switch between the two pumps (just as I was trained).  This past Friday night I did an medicine increase.  After those, I'm generally um... "not very social" for at least 36 hours.  The intensity of side effects vary from time to time - sometimes it's like a hangover, and sometimes it's kinda like I've undergone chemo.  This last one wasn't too bad.  Anyway ......

Back to my "moment of clarity" ..... Early this morning when I was refilling the medicine in the pump I suddenly realized that I had made a HUGE mistake.  I never programmed the second pump for the increased dose.  So, on Friday night I went from 36 ng to 38 ng - and then when I switched pumps I went back down to 36 ng.  It might seem that it shouldn't make that much of a difference since I wasn't on the higher dose that long, BUT the body adjusts quickly to it - and suddenly my blood vessels were more constricted and it was struggling to get oxygen again.  IT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE! No wonder I was so tired and irritable and just plain miserable!!!!  I was having a tough time breathing!

So, last night I fixed the problem.  I'm back at 38 ng - and tonight I'm scheduled to go up to 40.  It's amazing - I have almost no side effects to day of last night's increase.  I'm kinda "slow" and have a slight headache - but my body was CRAVING the extra medicine.  This is definitely one mistake I plan NOT to make again!

So .... I've already got more energy - I've been happily tidying up the house a bit and it's only been about 9 hours since the increase.  I'm feeling MUCH better, and I'm sorry that I spewed my annoyance (at my lack of energy to deal with my messy house) all over you.  In fact I've kinda been verbally spewing all over everything the past couple days.  Sorry.  I'll try to be more ... respectful ...